I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
