i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
