I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
