HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
