You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
