it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
