Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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