New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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