I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
