I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
