Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
