I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
