if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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