need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Panties = found
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
