Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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