Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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