I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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