yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
