so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
