2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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