And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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