I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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