Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
