you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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