why didn't you poke me back
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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