My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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