Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
