I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We had to coat check the pizza.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
