did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
