My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
send nudes
from the living room?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
