weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
