I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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