i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
