Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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