Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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