I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
