I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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