Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
