Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
