Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
