my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
