3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
