Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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