I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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