i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
