he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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