i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
