I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
