the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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