so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
