she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
