My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
