a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
