There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
