I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
