I haven't been this sober since birth.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
