I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
3pm strippers are depressing
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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