You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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