i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
