ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
