I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
