Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
