Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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