Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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