I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
