I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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