WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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