I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize