woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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